I know You have something to say!
Bulgaria
“Hey you, pretty Stanka!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bulgaria
“Tell me what you eat and I'll tell you to go to the hospital.”
~ Brillat-Savarin on Bulgarian cuisine
“A gypsy is like a person, but not quite.”
~ Volen Siderov on Gypsies
Bulgaria [1]- a mountainous territory consisting mostly of plains, is a small country in North-South Europe. It was founded by a race of angry pastry chefs, swept away from Asia by the Pokemon Invasion. Bulgaria is the fifth largest country in the World, after America and Wisconsin. Due to being always friendly with their neighbours Bulgarians are known as the most peaceful tribe in the region, and have never participated in any wars. Bulgarians also enjoy drinking the local beverages, rakia, Boza and vodka (mostly known as a Russian drink but originated in Bulgaria) and listening to the so called chalga music (gypsy/folk) which was invented by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The western part of Bulgaria as known as a dump, while the Eastern part is known as a stinky junkyard. BG smart song:I can live libu dibu datjuuuuuuuuuuuu - Folk pevica
Geography
Bulgaria borders that backstabbing Romania to the north, that vodka-drinking Serbia to the west, that nasty Macedonia to the south-west, that sneaky Greece to the south, that vomit-raising Turkey to the south-east and that especially arrogant Black Sea to the east. The country has always had fine peaceful relations of brotherly love with all of these neighbours, the only exception being the Black Sea. The thing is that Bulgaria and the Black Sea have had a very prolonged and fierce territorial dispute. The predominant belief among Black Sea dolphins is that the presence of fish enclaves in Bulgarian rivers justifies their territorial claims on all of the country except the desert areas (unfortunately, there are no deserts in Bulgaria as yet, although we are working on it). Bulgaria, in turn, has claimed the entire bottom of the Black Sea on ethno-historical grounds, as Bulgarian science has shown that the Black Sea dolphins are nothing but Bulgarians who have lost their feet and developed tails. They have been urging the dolphins to abandon their false identity, come out and reveal their true Bulgarian nature, citing the well-known saying "Bulgarian, Arthropod or lying". Dolphin scholars argue that the knee-jerk Bulgarian theories are nothing but propaganda and like all land vertebrates, the Bulgarians have evolved from the Fish rather than vice versa. However, the most recent Bulgarian studies have proved beyond any doubt that, contrary to what had been thought previously, the Bulgarians were the absolutely first and original biological species on Earth, and only after a long and painful development did the first amoebae manage to evolve from them. The Pacific Ocean-based Institute of Bacterial Heritage has contested that claim.
Anyhow, the resulting wars have been mostly a failure for Bulgaria, as new and new parts of the shore have been sliding down into the sea. While constant defeats have caused Bulgaria to abandon military means during the last fifty years, the conflict has remained a sore point and mentioning the existence of the Black Sea, as well as wet things in general, is still perceived as offensive in public as well as private discourse.
[edit] Labour and Social Politics
Bulgaria has grown beyond the need for any social politics, as the majority of the population are already successful entrepreneurs. As a consequence, Bulgaria has 0% unemployment and is in constant need of foreign workers. The average bulgarian salary is 10000 leuro per hour, which is enough to buy 5 bags of chips Niki (which is why Bulgarians eat 5 bags of chips Niki per hour). These high salaries have forced many companies to hire cheap workers from Japan, Luxembourg and Norway, because they only eat fish and drink water.
Production
Chips Niki production makes up 87% of Bulgaria's GDP
Chips Niki production makes up 87% of Bulgaria's GDP
Bulgaria produces some of the world's best known brands - Romika shoes (rebranded as Nike), Elka calculators (rebranded as computers), tomatoes (rebranded as tomatoes) and yoghurt (rebranded as Danone). Bulgaria is also in legal battles with Greece and Turkey over other exports such as white cheese, banitza, chalga and sex slaves. Undoubtedly, Bulgaria is most popular for its outstanding snack foods - Zayo Bayo, Lucky Boy, Chipi Chips and Chips Niki.
[edit] Chips Niki
Chips Niki is Bulgaria's top export. It is a brand of potato chips usually sold in transparent plastic bags soiled by grease and salt. Chips Niki is named after its creator - Niki (currently serving time in prison). The ingredients of Chips Niki are salt, potatoes, vegetable oil and pubic hair. Chips Niki is the number one cause of heart attacks and strokes in Bulgaria. It is also a major choking hazard for children, as the manufacturers put a little piece of paper inside every bag.
[edit] EU(SSR) Accession
The National Treasure of Bulgaria
The National Treasure of Bulgaria
Bulgaria and neighbouring Romalandia were the first non-European countries to join the EUSSR. The aim of the organization was to finally gain enough economic strength in order to be able to produce and export as much counterfeit goods as Turkey, China and Vietnam put together, thus reaching full employment. Bulgaria and Romalandia have their sacred place in the EUSSR as they are the main exporters of highly intellectual labour force, such as agile beggars and the main producers of contaminated pork and natural fertilizers. On the EUSSR summit in the village of Khurd in northern Kosovo in 2006, the leaders of the organization decided to grant Romalandia the status of an "environmental disaster of the Balkans" and Bulgaria - "most cancer-struck nation" in recognition of the efforts made by the two handicapped nations in their fight against poverty and racism. The first representatives of the pork-eating nations in the EUSSR executive body (the EUSSR Commission) are Gheorghe Hagi, ex-football player, on behalf of Romalandia and Milko Kalaydjiev (chalga singer with large moustache) on behalf of Bulgaria.
[edit] Customs
The majority of Bulgarians, although not overly religious are extremely superstitious. Ladies will never be seen placing their bags on the floor when in a cafe in fear that they will become poor and turn into a plump witch known as Babba Yagga. Unfortunately 90% of all women end up as Babba Yaggas. Another peculiar cafe-custom is placing chewing gum, or 'duvka', on their cigarette packet for all to see. The Bulgarian women believe this to be a sign of sophistication; in reality it is the main issue that was holding back the country's ascension to the EU, as everyone outside Bulgaria finds this custom utterly repulsive. Once Bulgarians leave the house they see it as bad luck to go back into the house even if they've left their wallet or mobile phone there. They will also never directly look at a disabled person or a retarded individual as they believe these conditions are contagious and can be passed between people through line of sight. It should also be noted that no Bulgarians wear seatbelts in the car and they all smoke.
[edit] Leisure
Bulgaria has a beautiful green countryside with prancing ponies and unicorns. City pubs in Bulgaria are known and often closed down for offering special chemicals to enhance people's sexual organs. Some men become so "excited" that they have to relieve themselves in the toilet, or just outside it.
In the southern areas people tend to be less formal and more friendly. It is not uncommon to see locals bathing in the swamps. If you see these people throwing rocks at storks and urinating on top of their corpses, don't be alarmed. It's called "egret hunting" and you just don't understand it, so back off. If you're a foreigner and people smile and wave at you, don't assume that they're trying to communicate. You just look to them like a piece of tasty meat.
The most valued Bulgarian leisure is philosophy. Bulgarians enjoy immensely engaging in long, deeply philosophical discussions (the three most popular topics are soccer, politics and women) in taverns and basements. Some philosophers usually end up with stab wounds, gunshot holes or other injuries.
[edit] Bulgarian music
Original Bulgarian bagpipe
Original Bulgarian bagpipe
The gaida (a bagpipe made from the mutilated corpse of a sheep) is featured in traditional bulgarian music. It truly smells of cheese and emits a tone more beautiful than love itself, or, at least, love with a cheese-scented folk musician. Recently, the gaida has been overtaken by the synthesizer keyboard, which has contributed a certain richness to the traditional folk music, resulting in the divine art of chalga music. Unfortunately synthesizer players are not thought of as sexy as gaida players; in the words of Tsitsa Greshkova (a well-known chalga singer) "I like a bag to squeeze". The gaida is also appreciated by goth women, who find the act of blowing air into a mutilated sheep corpse very arousing.
Bulgaria's national anthem is simply "Bulgaria, Bulgaria, Bulgaria" (repeated 67 times), followed by "We are a moderately hospitable country!".
[edit] Bulgarian Heroes (Българи юнаци)
Bulgaria is like a factory for heroes, so drink milk and don't forget that Santa doesn't exist.
* John Atanasoff
The First man to discover the computer and subsequently that jerking off in front of one is a funtime experience.
* After John Atanasoff the second most famous Bulgarian is All Bundy, who was nominated about 1000 times "The most honored citizen of Bulgaria". He represents the Bulgarian way of life in it's fullness.The Bundy family is the most famous one in Bulgaria.
* The first Bulgarian hero was called Banica. He was the first man ever. He lived one thousand three hundred thirty-seven years ago and was the first man to ever shoot porn.
* Another famous Bulgarian hero is Batman, also known as Ivan Prilepov. His taste for tight latex clothing forced him to flee in late 1957 from then authoritarian Bulgaria. Since then he's been fighting crime in Gotham city, West Germany. His faithful sidekick, Robin, is actually a young Roma boy Batman picked up as a love companion.
* The Biggest superhero of them all is Boiko Borisov. He is the current mayor of the capital Sofia, but secretly protects the planet from aliens, jaywalkers and mutant gypsies. He was the first man to explore uninhabited places such as the Moon, Mars and Canada. He moves with a speed of 14.4 Kb/s.
* Tom Cruise is the biggest example of NOT being a Bulgarian.
* Dimitar Berbatov is famous for scoring over 400,000 goals in his first season with Tottenham Hotspur in the Premier League. He also enjoys underscoring, scoring with women and high-scoring in Pac-Man.
* Uncle Bulgaria. The first bulgarian ever to leave bulgaria
* Chuck Norris, the almighty action hero, founder of the Bulgarian movement against prostitution. He died of AIDS for his cause.
* Kresnislava, a famous prostitute from Varna, discovered a miracle cure for pubic lice - having so much sex that even they run away in disgust.
* The most famous pop star in Bulgaria is Pavel Shopov as known as "the deadly moustache" because no woman can resist fainting after a kiss from this man. It was later found out that he had a piece of rancid spaghetti hidden inside his moustache.
* Ken Lee (If you live in a hole and don't know who Ken Lee is, look it up on Youtube so that just maybe you won't end up being an ignorant retard for the rest of your life.)
* Vladimir 'The Sausage' Nadenicata was Bulgaria's first major porn star. He appeared in many successful porn films, including 'Terminutter III', 'Enter, the Fist!' and 'Penis-nocchio!'. Tragically, he killed himself at the age of 69 after a skateboarding accident left him with no balls.
[edit] Cautions
* Take off your watch while in Bulgaria. You should probably leave home everything of any importance to you before visiting Bulgaria. If you are an American president coming from Albania, don't worry - your watch has already been taken care of.
* Be careful when taking photos in Bulgaria. Bulgarians do not know what a camera is, so when you use it, they'll think you're putting on a funny mask. Never show the photos you've made to a Bulgarian because they'll immediately understand what a camera actually is and steal it.
* Bulgarians throw their trash directly out of their balconies. Never walk too close to residential buildings, because there's a chance you'll be buried in junk and never found again.
* Never try to outdrink a Bulgarian, especially when Rakia is involved. You will die a slow, painful, alcohol fueled death.
* In Bulgaria pedestrians have no rights. If a pedestrian sets foot on the street, drivers speed up. For any pedestrian you run over during the year, you can write off as much as 1000 leva from your taxes.
* Never go to a football match in Bulgaria. There's about an 80% chance you'll either be killed or severely maimed during such an event. Football is the main cause of depopulation in Bulgaria as spectators either kill each other, or if they're very lucky, get away with being kicked in the balls. Either way, they lose the ability to reproduce, which is probably a good thing.
[edit] Chalga
The most popular bulgarian newspaper with opera singer on the cover
The most popular bulgarian newspaper with opera singer on the cover
When discussing Bulgarian music, one must also mention chalga, which, although not really music, is the most popular musical genre in the country. It could be described as soft porn with vocal accompaniment, since the performers are mostly women, consisting of more silicone than flesh, and some gay men, consisting of more hair gel than body hair. Being gay is a plus, being a gypsy is a plus, and being a gay gypsy can guarantee you immediate success. For a female, having extremely large fake breasts is absolutely all that's needed to become a Chalga super star.
In short, chalga is the ultimate proof of Bulgarians' inherent masochism.
The more extreme variations of Chalga (Turbo Chalga, Kuchek) performed by gypsies, are to Bulgaria what gangsta nigga rap is to the USA. Entertainment for people with the brain of a teletubby, or medical treatment for the clinically deaf. In short it's the Bulgarian equivalent to manele.
Turbo chalga performers all tend to wear silken reddish (olive greenish) suits made in China, towelly socks, mullet haircuts and "knitten" shoes made in Greece and costing up to 3 euros per kilogram.
Usually each "kuchek" song starts by a short introduction in Turkish or Gypsy language, briefly describing the beauties of a girl with large breasts and of unknown parents. The intro is followed by a melodic tune, which extends to more than 6-7 minutes, interrupted only by occasional happy shouts and long solo clarinet performances.
Such music can only be consumed along with criminal amounts of alcohol.
Chalga is actually the most powerful media in the Bulgarian Empire, it can be felt at its best at 'clubs' such as Planeta and Chas Pik (Rush Hour). In the latter, it seems like there is a special show each Saturday with lots of girls dressed in Buckhingam Palace guards uniforms; the female soldiers march waving the Chas Pik flags and then take off their uniforms while dancing kuchek. Watching this awesome show, one can easily figure out that the 500 years of Ottoman rule have surely left their mark, though somehow we've picked up the worst traditions and customs, as always. The ultimate power of the Bulgarian Empire is focused in the hands of the exalted crowd gathered around the female soldiers, their hands holding their cool camera cell phones, decorated to capture the greatness of the Bulgarian Empire with the means of latest technology. It should not be omitted that those exalted people have a special dress code - the white shirt, often combined with white pants, leather hybrids between flip-flops and sandals (produced in Turkey) and cheap silver necklaces.
[edit] Bulgarian Intellect
The Bulgarian brain is a dangerous place to park your car.
The Bulgarian brain is a dangerous place to park your car.
Bulgarians have the strangest intellect known to man. when sober they are the second most mentally challenged people alive. However, in the presence of alcohol or steroids they become remarkably clever to the surprise of many spectators (they still act as retarded but the work they put down on paper is of a high standard).
[edit] Science
* After they created the Earth, Bulgarians doubled the national science budget to create a new planet where they'd be able to watch football without their wives - Pluto, but it was found too cold for alcohol to stay liquid. For that reason Pluto was abandoned and stripped of the title "Planet".
* In 3495 BC Bulgarian scientists discovered that 2 + 2 is 4. Three years later they proved it might be 5 depending on how many glasses of rakia you have drunk.
* In 833 AD the scientists of the Ruse Alcoholic Krylene Institute of Alcohol (RAKIA) discovered that the human could be sober if not drinking all day. It took five months to prove that condition because the experimental individuals could not be easily persuaded to drink the strange fluid chemical dihydrogen monoxide.
* As a result they proved that dihydrogen monoxide is not poisonous and gave it a shorter name - voda (because it resembles vodka).
* In 917 scientists of the Imperial Institute for Intestine Investigation and Internal Intelligence (IIIIII) discovered that the louder the fart the less it smells.
* In 1785 the Bulgarian Academy of Science, Technology and Revolutionary Discoveries (BASTARD) invented a machine-gun that could be fired by pigs. This resulted in a bloody conflict between white and black pigs that lasted 150 years. White pigs eventually won, which earned them a special place in the human diet.
* In 1974 the Bulgarian National Institute of Fecal Deformities discovered that the shape of the excrement = the shape of the anal canal divided by the density of the stool (Ω=ω/φ)
[edit] History
Main article: Hystery of Buggerland
Bulgarian warriors, led by Commander Santa Claus, conquer Iceland
Bulgarian warriors, led by Commander Santa Claus, conquer Iceland
The debatably mythical land of Bulgaria was founded in 1992 by the Bulgarians and their leader Bulgar. It is named after their chief god Bulgaroth (the god of accountancy). The prince of Persia initially ruled the area from the age of 4, but then Stalin came to power and tried to apply the principle: no man, no problem. The current plan of the Revolution party (lead by Stoikata) will try fervently, at least until 2015, to cope with internal problems such as racism, gypsies and paid fellatio. Since becoming mayor of Sofia yesterday, Boiko Borisov has been trying to design a red light district in the city, replacing the female prostitutes with the homeless dogs institution of Sofia. According to the mayor, the price of fellatio will drop to 2,50 lv (1,25 euro, biting insurance not included). Another dream put forward by Borisov is to fill the numerous holes in Sofia's streets with gypsies. "In this way," he said, "we can cope with unemployment too." The only military conflict involving Bulgaria was the Bulgo-Shiite war, which was triggered by an argument over which of the Bulgars and the Shiites made better pancakes. Unfortunately the Bulgarians did not own weapons of any kind and incurred 100% military losses, as well as having all other countries (including Sweden) start making wise-cracks about their Mammas. Jan Videnov, who was Minister for Moolah between 1993 and 2006, tried to cope with corruption in a very acute way. He produced so much money that even policemen were not interested in taking any money from the poor. The end of inflation came when all the paper currency of Bulgaria was sold in second hand paper shops, and all the coins were melted for the higher price of the metal they were made of. This has led to a hugely popular trend in fashion involving excessive amounts of body piercings. All are agreed that Bulgarians look absolutely fabulous with their numerous piercings - except, of course, Georgi Markov of the Young European Federalists.
Bulgarian democracy is famous for the fact that every election of government officials since 745 BC has been forged. Election times in Bulgaria are periods of great social uproar, when many agnostics turn believers under the effects of the famous Bulgarian meatballs (national food prepared from dead pigs, cows, dogs, charcoaled until it produces the smell of a real bulgar). The production of meatballs greatly increases during elections, which contributes to making it the country's single largest industry. The Bulgarians' love for elections leads to people voting twice or more, and are often seen traveling great distances over mountains in small buses just to cast their sacred ballot. People still generally prefer sex to meatballs, so only old, starved or frigid people actually vote and everybody else is at parties. Theories have been put forward, that this is the reason for the current political situation, but nobody has succeeded in getting the younger people to vote, so they remain untested to this day.
According to political experts such as Jessica Simpson, the prospects for Bulgaria's future are grim. As Simpson wrote in a text message to her dog walker, "The overheated economy and Slunchev Briag City constructions boom will eventually take the country back to the time of Jan Videnov. It is a time machine we are living in, unfortunately representing time in the form of a circle, the ultimate continuum, always going to the first state - we will always be monkeys in a sense."
In 2496 Bulgaria finally won World War XXXI and finally restored its rule over the world.
[edit] Language
The Bulgarian language is rather easy (which is the reason why 99% of the population speak English, French, or Pategonian). However many foreign businessmen only learn one phrase, which they learn from the many young language teachers who frequent the hotels and night-clubs. The Bulgarian language, similar to Russian, consists of forty-seven different consonants. Unlike Russian however, there is one vowel; it is written as ъ and pronounced as "Uh?". While Bulgarian has a large amount of consonants, it does not consist ENTIRELY of consonants like Russian or Czech. This is due to the Great Vowel Airdrop of the 1600s, where unable to pronounce their own language any more, the Bulgarians borrowed some from the Finns, which were then airlifted to Sofia via Santa's flying reindeer. Negotiations with Hawaii are under way to borrow some more vowels, but it is not known if this will be successful.
The easiest part of the Bulgarian language is its grammar, to be more precise: the verbs. There are only seventeen tenses (e.g., present, past, future, imperfect, perfect, almost perfect, possible future, past very long time ago, eternal past, last night but not this morning, future past in the perfect semi-present just to name a few), six so-called verbal aspects (perfective, imperfective, almost perfective, not quite perfective, dogshittive), and ten verbal genders (passive, active, renarrative, dubitative renarrative, conclusive, dubitative conclusive, mathematically challengeable but generally acceptable conclusive, submissive, dominative, forgive). On the other hand, the nouns have no cases, so that's a good thing. The whole of Bulgarian Grammar is presently being analyzed, digested and spat out in the forthcoming 20 volume "Current Trends in the use of the Present Perfect Ridiculous in the Balkan Sprachbund" by Professor Buzz Aldrin of the University of Somewhere-Unpronounceable-but-Definitely-Balkan.
[edit] Trivia
* Bulgaria is the native habitat of the small three legged rodent, Mökki, and the four legged rodent - the rat.
* John Lennon never visited Bulgaria, although George Harrison may have composed "My Sweet Lord" after a particularly heavy night drinking Bulgarian red.
* Alf is an honourary citizen of Bulgaria.
* There are no bulls in Bulgaria, they were all slaughtered in 1994 as a tribute to Mickey Mouse. Later Bulgarians found out that American culture wasn't all that great.
* The Main tourist attraction in Bulgaria is watching gypsies steal something from a shop and then get chased away by semi-automatic gun wielding shopkeepers.
* Don Corleone from The Godfather is a born-again Bulgarian.
* Two of the six Power Rangers - Zachary Taylor and Tommy Oliver originate from Bulgaria.
* Bulgaria's longest mountain, Stara Planina, is a single fossilized dinosaur turd.
* Bulgaria became independent when Dimitar Berbatov kicked a football so hard it made Gorbachev's head bleed
~ Oscar Wilde on Bulgaria
“Tell me what you eat and I'll tell you to go to the hospital.”
~ Brillat-Savarin on Bulgarian cuisine
“A gypsy is like a person, but not quite.”
~ Volen Siderov on Gypsies
Bulgaria [1]- a mountainous territory consisting mostly of plains, is a small country in North-South Europe. It was founded by a race of angry pastry chefs, swept away from Asia by the Pokemon Invasion. Bulgaria is the fifth largest country in the World, after America and Wisconsin. Due to being always friendly with their neighbours Bulgarians are known as the most peaceful tribe in the region, and have never participated in any wars. Bulgarians also enjoy drinking the local beverages, rakia, Boza and vodka (mostly known as a Russian drink but originated in Bulgaria) and listening to the so called chalga music (gypsy/folk) which was invented by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The western part of Bulgaria as known as a dump, while the Eastern part is known as a stinky junkyard. BG smart song:I can live libu dibu datjuuuuuuuuuuuu - Folk pevica
Geography
Bulgaria borders that backstabbing Romania to the north, that vodka-drinking Serbia to the west, that nasty Macedonia to the south-west, that sneaky Greece to the south, that vomit-raising Turkey to the south-east and that especially arrogant Black Sea to the east. The country has always had fine peaceful relations of brotherly love with all of these neighbours, the only exception being the Black Sea. The thing is that Bulgaria and the Black Sea have had a very prolonged and fierce territorial dispute. The predominant belief among Black Sea dolphins is that the presence of fish enclaves in Bulgarian rivers justifies their territorial claims on all of the country except the desert areas (unfortunately, there are no deserts in Bulgaria as yet, although we are working on it). Bulgaria, in turn, has claimed the entire bottom of the Black Sea on ethno-historical grounds, as Bulgarian science has shown that the Black Sea dolphins are nothing but Bulgarians who have lost their feet and developed tails. They have been urging the dolphins to abandon their false identity, come out and reveal their true Bulgarian nature, citing the well-known saying "Bulgarian, Arthropod or lying". Dolphin scholars argue that the knee-jerk Bulgarian theories are nothing but propaganda and like all land vertebrates, the Bulgarians have evolved from the Fish rather than vice versa. However, the most recent Bulgarian studies have proved beyond any doubt that, contrary to what had been thought previously, the Bulgarians were the absolutely first and original biological species on Earth, and only after a long and painful development did the first amoebae manage to evolve from them. The Pacific Ocean-based Institute of Bacterial Heritage has contested that claim.
Anyhow, the resulting wars have been mostly a failure for Bulgaria, as new and new parts of the shore have been sliding down into the sea. While constant defeats have caused Bulgaria to abandon military means during the last fifty years, the conflict has remained a sore point and mentioning the existence of the Black Sea, as well as wet things in general, is still perceived as offensive in public as well as private discourse.
[edit] Labour and Social Politics
Bulgaria has grown beyond the need for any social politics, as the majority of the population are already successful entrepreneurs. As a consequence, Bulgaria has 0% unemployment and is in constant need of foreign workers. The average bulgarian salary is 10000 leuro per hour, which is enough to buy 5 bags of chips Niki (which is why Bulgarians eat 5 bags of chips Niki per hour). These high salaries have forced many companies to hire cheap workers from Japan, Luxembourg and Norway, because they only eat fish and drink water.
Production
Chips Niki production makes up 87% of Bulgaria's GDP
Chips Niki production makes up 87% of Bulgaria's GDP
Bulgaria produces some of the world's best known brands - Romika shoes (rebranded as Nike), Elka calculators (rebranded as computers), tomatoes (rebranded as tomatoes) and yoghurt (rebranded as Danone). Bulgaria is also in legal battles with Greece and Turkey over other exports such as white cheese, banitza, chalga and sex slaves. Undoubtedly, Bulgaria is most popular for its outstanding snack foods - Zayo Bayo, Lucky Boy, Chipi Chips and Chips Niki.
[edit] Chips Niki
Chips Niki is Bulgaria's top export. It is a brand of potato chips usually sold in transparent plastic bags soiled by grease and salt. Chips Niki is named after its creator - Niki (currently serving time in prison). The ingredients of Chips Niki are salt, potatoes, vegetable oil and pubic hair. Chips Niki is the number one cause of heart attacks and strokes in Bulgaria. It is also a major choking hazard for children, as the manufacturers put a little piece of paper inside every bag.
[edit] EU(SSR) Accession
The National Treasure of Bulgaria
The National Treasure of Bulgaria
Bulgaria and neighbouring Romalandia were the first non-European countries to join the EUSSR. The aim of the organization was to finally gain enough economic strength in order to be able to produce and export as much counterfeit goods as Turkey, China and Vietnam put together, thus reaching full employment. Bulgaria and Romalandia have their sacred place in the EUSSR as they are the main exporters of highly intellectual labour force, such as agile beggars and the main producers of contaminated pork and natural fertilizers. On the EUSSR summit in the village of Khurd in northern Kosovo in 2006, the leaders of the organization decided to grant Romalandia the status of an "environmental disaster of the Balkans" and Bulgaria - "most cancer-struck nation" in recognition of the efforts made by the two handicapped nations in their fight against poverty and racism. The first representatives of the pork-eating nations in the EUSSR executive body (the EUSSR Commission) are Gheorghe Hagi, ex-football player, on behalf of Romalandia and Milko Kalaydjiev (chalga singer with large moustache) on behalf of Bulgaria.
[edit] Customs
The majority of Bulgarians, although not overly religious are extremely superstitious. Ladies will never be seen placing their bags on the floor when in a cafe in fear that they will become poor and turn into a plump witch known as Babba Yagga. Unfortunately 90% of all women end up as Babba Yaggas. Another peculiar cafe-custom is placing chewing gum, or 'duvka', on their cigarette packet for all to see. The Bulgarian women believe this to be a sign of sophistication; in reality it is the main issue that was holding back the country's ascension to the EU, as everyone outside Bulgaria finds this custom utterly repulsive. Once Bulgarians leave the house they see it as bad luck to go back into the house even if they've left their wallet or mobile phone there. They will also never directly look at a disabled person or a retarded individual as they believe these conditions are contagious and can be passed between people through line of sight. It should also be noted that no Bulgarians wear seatbelts in the car and they all smoke.
[edit] Leisure
Bulgaria has a beautiful green countryside with prancing ponies and unicorns. City pubs in Bulgaria are known and often closed down for offering special chemicals to enhance people's sexual organs. Some men become so "excited" that they have to relieve themselves in the toilet, or just outside it.
In the southern areas people tend to be less formal and more friendly. It is not uncommon to see locals bathing in the swamps. If you see these people throwing rocks at storks and urinating on top of their corpses, don't be alarmed. It's called "egret hunting" and you just don't understand it, so back off. If you're a foreigner and people smile and wave at you, don't assume that they're trying to communicate. You just look to them like a piece of tasty meat.
The most valued Bulgarian leisure is philosophy. Bulgarians enjoy immensely engaging in long, deeply philosophical discussions (the three most popular topics are soccer, politics and women) in taverns and basements. Some philosophers usually end up with stab wounds, gunshot holes or other injuries.
[edit] Bulgarian music
Original Bulgarian bagpipe
Original Bulgarian bagpipe
The gaida (a bagpipe made from the mutilated corpse of a sheep) is featured in traditional bulgarian music. It truly smells of cheese and emits a tone more beautiful than love itself, or, at least, love with a cheese-scented folk musician. Recently, the gaida has been overtaken by the synthesizer keyboard, which has contributed a certain richness to the traditional folk music, resulting in the divine art of chalga music. Unfortunately synthesizer players are not thought of as sexy as gaida players; in the words of Tsitsa Greshkova (a well-known chalga singer) "I like a bag to squeeze". The gaida is also appreciated by goth women, who find the act of blowing air into a mutilated sheep corpse very arousing.
Bulgaria's national anthem is simply "Bulgaria, Bulgaria, Bulgaria" (repeated 67 times), followed by "We are a moderately hospitable country!".
[edit] Bulgarian Heroes (Българи юнаци)
Bulgaria is like a factory for heroes, so drink milk and don't forget that Santa doesn't exist.
* John Atanasoff
The First man to discover the computer and subsequently that jerking off in front of one is a funtime experience.
* After John Atanasoff the second most famous Bulgarian is All Bundy, who was nominated about 1000 times "The most honored citizen of Bulgaria". He represents the Bulgarian way of life in it's fullness.The Bundy family is the most famous one in Bulgaria.
* The first Bulgarian hero was called Banica. He was the first man ever. He lived one thousand three hundred thirty-seven years ago and was the first man to ever shoot porn.
* Another famous Bulgarian hero is Batman, also known as Ivan Prilepov. His taste for tight latex clothing forced him to flee in late 1957 from then authoritarian Bulgaria. Since then he's been fighting crime in Gotham city, West Germany. His faithful sidekick, Robin, is actually a young Roma boy Batman picked up as a love companion.
* The Biggest superhero of them all is Boiko Borisov. He is the current mayor of the capital Sofia, but secretly protects the planet from aliens, jaywalkers and mutant gypsies. He was the first man to explore uninhabited places such as the Moon, Mars and Canada. He moves with a speed of 14.4 Kb/s.
* Tom Cruise is the biggest example of NOT being a Bulgarian.
* Dimitar Berbatov is famous for scoring over 400,000 goals in his first season with Tottenham Hotspur in the Premier League. He also enjoys underscoring, scoring with women and high-scoring in Pac-Man.
* Uncle Bulgaria. The first bulgarian ever to leave bulgaria
* Chuck Norris, the almighty action hero, founder of the Bulgarian movement against prostitution. He died of AIDS for his cause.
* Kresnislava, a famous prostitute from Varna, discovered a miracle cure for pubic lice - having so much sex that even they run away in disgust.
* The most famous pop star in Bulgaria is Pavel Shopov as known as "the deadly moustache" because no woman can resist fainting after a kiss from this man. It was later found out that he had a piece of rancid spaghetti hidden inside his moustache.
* Ken Lee (If you live in a hole and don't know who Ken Lee is, look it up on Youtube so that just maybe you won't end up being an ignorant retard for the rest of your life.)
* Vladimir 'The Sausage' Nadenicata was Bulgaria's first major porn star. He appeared in many successful porn films, including 'Terminutter III', 'Enter, the Fist!' and 'Penis-nocchio!'. Tragically, he killed himself at the age of 69 after a skateboarding accident left him with no balls.
[edit] Cautions
* Take off your watch while in Bulgaria. You should probably leave home everything of any importance to you before visiting Bulgaria. If you are an American president coming from Albania, don't worry - your watch has already been taken care of.
* Be careful when taking photos in Bulgaria. Bulgarians do not know what a camera is, so when you use it, they'll think you're putting on a funny mask. Never show the photos you've made to a Bulgarian because they'll immediately understand what a camera actually is and steal it.
* Bulgarians throw their trash directly out of their balconies. Never walk too close to residential buildings, because there's a chance you'll be buried in junk and never found again.
* Never try to outdrink a Bulgarian, especially when Rakia is involved. You will die a slow, painful, alcohol fueled death.
* In Bulgaria pedestrians have no rights. If a pedestrian sets foot on the street, drivers speed up. For any pedestrian you run over during the year, you can write off as much as 1000 leva from your taxes.
* Never go to a football match in Bulgaria. There's about an 80% chance you'll either be killed or severely maimed during such an event. Football is the main cause of depopulation in Bulgaria as spectators either kill each other, or if they're very lucky, get away with being kicked in the balls. Either way, they lose the ability to reproduce, which is probably a good thing.
[edit] Chalga
The most popular bulgarian newspaper with opera singer on the cover
The most popular bulgarian newspaper with opera singer on the cover
When discussing Bulgarian music, one must also mention chalga, which, although not really music, is the most popular musical genre in the country. It could be described as soft porn with vocal accompaniment, since the performers are mostly women, consisting of more silicone than flesh, and some gay men, consisting of more hair gel than body hair. Being gay is a plus, being a gypsy is a plus, and being a gay gypsy can guarantee you immediate success. For a female, having extremely large fake breasts is absolutely all that's needed to become a Chalga super star.
In short, chalga is the ultimate proof of Bulgarians' inherent masochism.
The more extreme variations of Chalga (Turbo Chalga, Kuchek) performed by gypsies, are to Bulgaria what gangsta nigga rap is to the USA. Entertainment for people with the brain of a teletubby, or medical treatment for the clinically deaf. In short it's the Bulgarian equivalent to manele.
Turbo chalga performers all tend to wear silken reddish (olive greenish) suits made in China, towelly socks, mullet haircuts and "knitten" shoes made in Greece and costing up to 3 euros per kilogram.
Usually each "kuchek" song starts by a short introduction in Turkish or Gypsy language, briefly describing the beauties of a girl with large breasts and of unknown parents. The intro is followed by a melodic tune, which extends to more than 6-7 minutes, interrupted only by occasional happy shouts and long solo clarinet performances.
Such music can only be consumed along with criminal amounts of alcohol.
Chalga is actually the most powerful media in the Bulgarian Empire, it can be felt at its best at 'clubs' such as Planeta and Chas Pik (Rush Hour). In the latter, it seems like there is a special show each Saturday with lots of girls dressed in Buckhingam Palace guards uniforms; the female soldiers march waving the Chas Pik flags and then take off their uniforms while dancing kuchek. Watching this awesome show, one can easily figure out that the 500 years of Ottoman rule have surely left their mark, though somehow we've picked up the worst traditions and customs, as always. The ultimate power of the Bulgarian Empire is focused in the hands of the exalted crowd gathered around the female soldiers, their hands holding their cool camera cell phones, decorated to capture the greatness of the Bulgarian Empire with the means of latest technology. It should not be omitted that those exalted people have a special dress code - the white shirt, often combined with white pants, leather hybrids between flip-flops and sandals (produced in Turkey) and cheap silver necklaces.
[edit] Bulgarian Intellect
The Bulgarian brain is a dangerous place to park your car.
The Bulgarian brain is a dangerous place to park your car.
Bulgarians have the strangest intellect known to man. when sober they are the second most mentally challenged people alive. However, in the presence of alcohol or steroids they become remarkably clever to the surprise of many spectators (they still act as retarded but the work they put down on paper is of a high standard).
[edit] Science
* After they created the Earth, Bulgarians doubled the national science budget to create a new planet where they'd be able to watch football without their wives - Pluto, but it was found too cold for alcohol to stay liquid. For that reason Pluto was abandoned and stripped of the title "Planet".
* In 3495 BC Bulgarian scientists discovered that 2 + 2 is 4. Three years later they proved it might be 5 depending on how many glasses of rakia you have drunk.
* In 833 AD the scientists of the Ruse Alcoholic Krylene Institute of Alcohol (RAKIA) discovered that the human could be sober if not drinking all day. It took five months to prove that condition because the experimental individuals could not be easily persuaded to drink the strange fluid chemical dihydrogen monoxide.
* As a result they proved that dihydrogen monoxide is not poisonous and gave it a shorter name - voda (because it resembles vodka).
* In 917 scientists of the Imperial Institute for Intestine Investigation and Internal Intelligence (IIIIII) discovered that the louder the fart the less it smells.
* In 1785 the Bulgarian Academy of Science, Technology and Revolutionary Discoveries (BASTARD) invented a machine-gun that could be fired by pigs. This resulted in a bloody conflict between white and black pigs that lasted 150 years. White pigs eventually won, which earned them a special place in the human diet.
* In 1974 the Bulgarian National Institute of Fecal Deformities discovered that the shape of the excrement = the shape of the anal canal divided by the density of the stool (Ω=ω/φ)
[edit] History
Main article: Hystery of Buggerland
Bulgarian warriors, led by Commander Santa Claus, conquer Iceland
Bulgarian warriors, led by Commander Santa Claus, conquer Iceland
The debatably mythical land of Bulgaria was founded in 1992 by the Bulgarians and their leader Bulgar. It is named after their chief god Bulgaroth (the god of accountancy). The prince of Persia initially ruled the area from the age of 4, but then Stalin came to power and tried to apply the principle: no man, no problem. The current plan of the Revolution party (lead by Stoikata) will try fervently, at least until 2015, to cope with internal problems such as racism, gypsies and paid fellatio. Since becoming mayor of Sofia yesterday, Boiko Borisov has been trying to design a red light district in the city, replacing the female prostitutes with the homeless dogs institution of Sofia. According to the mayor, the price of fellatio will drop to 2,50 lv (1,25 euro, biting insurance not included). Another dream put forward by Borisov is to fill the numerous holes in Sofia's streets with gypsies. "In this way," he said, "we can cope with unemployment too." The only military conflict involving Bulgaria was the Bulgo-Shiite war, which was triggered by an argument over which of the Bulgars and the Shiites made better pancakes. Unfortunately the Bulgarians did not own weapons of any kind and incurred 100% military losses, as well as having all other countries (including Sweden) start making wise-cracks about their Mammas. Jan Videnov, who was Minister for Moolah between 1993 and 2006, tried to cope with corruption in a very acute way. He produced so much money that even policemen were not interested in taking any money from the poor. The end of inflation came when all the paper currency of Bulgaria was sold in second hand paper shops, and all the coins were melted for the higher price of the metal they were made of. This has led to a hugely popular trend in fashion involving excessive amounts of body piercings. All are agreed that Bulgarians look absolutely fabulous with their numerous piercings - except, of course, Georgi Markov of the Young European Federalists.
Bulgarian democracy is famous for the fact that every election of government officials since 745 BC has been forged. Election times in Bulgaria are periods of great social uproar, when many agnostics turn believers under the effects of the famous Bulgarian meatballs (national food prepared from dead pigs, cows, dogs, charcoaled until it produces the smell of a real bulgar). The production of meatballs greatly increases during elections, which contributes to making it the country's single largest industry. The Bulgarians' love for elections leads to people voting twice or more, and are often seen traveling great distances over mountains in small buses just to cast their sacred ballot. People still generally prefer sex to meatballs, so only old, starved or frigid people actually vote and everybody else is at parties. Theories have been put forward, that this is the reason for the current political situation, but nobody has succeeded in getting the younger people to vote, so they remain untested to this day.
According to political experts such as Jessica Simpson, the prospects for Bulgaria's future are grim. As Simpson wrote in a text message to her dog walker, "The overheated economy and Slunchev Briag City constructions boom will eventually take the country back to the time of Jan Videnov. It is a time machine we are living in, unfortunately representing time in the form of a circle, the ultimate continuum, always going to the first state - we will always be monkeys in a sense."
In 2496 Bulgaria finally won World War XXXI and finally restored its rule over the world.
[edit] Language
The Bulgarian language is rather easy (which is the reason why 99% of the population speak English, French, or Pategonian). However many foreign businessmen only learn one phrase, which they learn from the many young language teachers who frequent the hotels and night-clubs. The Bulgarian language, similar to Russian, consists of forty-seven different consonants. Unlike Russian however, there is one vowel; it is written as ъ and pronounced as "Uh?". While Bulgarian has a large amount of consonants, it does not consist ENTIRELY of consonants like Russian or Czech. This is due to the Great Vowel Airdrop of the 1600s, where unable to pronounce their own language any more, the Bulgarians borrowed some from the Finns, which were then airlifted to Sofia via Santa's flying reindeer. Negotiations with Hawaii are under way to borrow some more vowels, but it is not known if this will be successful.
The easiest part of the Bulgarian language is its grammar, to be more precise: the verbs. There are only seventeen tenses (e.g., present, past, future, imperfect, perfect, almost perfect, possible future, past very long time ago, eternal past, last night but not this morning, future past in the perfect semi-present just to name a few), six so-called verbal aspects (perfective, imperfective, almost perfective, not quite perfective, dogshittive), and ten verbal genders (passive, active, renarrative, dubitative renarrative, conclusive, dubitative conclusive, mathematically challengeable but generally acceptable conclusive, submissive, dominative, forgive). On the other hand, the nouns have no cases, so that's a good thing. The whole of Bulgarian Grammar is presently being analyzed, digested and spat out in the forthcoming 20 volume "Current Trends in the use of the Present Perfect Ridiculous in the Balkan Sprachbund" by Professor Buzz Aldrin of the University of Somewhere-Unpronounceable-but-Definitely-Balkan.
[edit] Trivia
* Bulgaria is the native habitat of the small three legged rodent, Mökki, and the four legged rodent - the rat.
* John Lennon never visited Bulgaria, although George Harrison may have composed "My Sweet Lord" after a particularly heavy night drinking Bulgarian red.
* Alf is an honourary citizen of Bulgaria.
* There are no bulls in Bulgaria, they were all slaughtered in 1994 as a tribute to Mickey Mouse. Later Bulgarians found out that American culture wasn't all that great.
* The Main tourist attraction in Bulgaria is watching gypsies steal something from a shop and then get chased away by semi-automatic gun wielding shopkeepers.
* Don Corleone from The Godfather is a born-again Bulgarian.
* Two of the six Power Rangers - Zachary Taylor and Tommy Oliver originate from Bulgaria.
* Bulgaria's longest mountain, Stara Planina, is a single fossilized dinosaur turd.
* Bulgaria became independent when Dimitar Berbatov kicked a football so hard it made Gorbachev's head bleed
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