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Greece
“I have no doubt, if there is God, He is a Greek! He put them on the best place on Earth.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Greece
“No, Zeus did.”
~ Greek on the above
“No, Cronos did.”
~ Another Greek on the above
“And then gave this land to his favoured people, the Turks”
~ Turk on the above
“If Mercedes-Benz wasn't German, it would have been Skopian/Turkish/Albanian”
~ Turks, Macedonians, Byzantines, Ancient Macedonians and Turkish Cypriots on Macedonia, Cyprus and Byzantium
“HellASS invented the sex. 2000 years later they learned by the Macedonians that sex can also be made between man and woman.”
~ Borat on HellASS
Greece, also known as Former Kingdom of Cocos, and also known by it's inhabitans as "Derneis kai Gamas", ( you hit and fuck ) is a country in Northern Epirus, bordering far inferior countries like Turkestan, [Monkeydonistan], Tataria and Albania. Gayreece (as some may refer to it) has by far the greatest population of gay men who dress like whores in the world. It is estimated that over 65% of the population is purely gay and another 20% bi. The strong gay community in Greece has it's own problems though. The military, for example, is unable to function due to the constant anus cramps that the soldiers get. These cramps are the primary cause of the many friendly-fire incidents. A gay soldier will grab his ass in excruciating pain as he is firing the gun leading to shooting one of his comrades. Greece is by far the greatest importer of Vaseline in the world. Greece is acknowledged among Greeks as the founder of democracy© (and also holder of dictatorship©, anarchy©, polytheism© -after buying it off Ancient Egypt), inventor (see below) of western civilization. In an attempt to look dignified and to give Greece some class.
ΝΕΑ ΕΛΛΗΝΙΚΗ ΔΗΜΟΚΡΑΤΙΑ
Hellenic Monarchian Republic or The Holy Orthodox Democratic Country of the Greek Nation
Greece
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: Malaka
Anthem: "We Love Turks, We Hate Fyromians But We Fuck Em Both (Nice and Hard)"
Capital Constantinople
Previous capital Rome
Largest city Thessaloniki, cause Athens is considered a cesspool and doesn't qualify for a city anymore
Official languages Only Greek
Government Dual Monarchy
-(Electable) public money consumer HIM Constantine Caramanlis II
HM King Cocos-Constantine II
National Hero(es) Otto Rehhagel, Alexander the Great, Zahopoulos
Declaration
of Formation 100,000,000 BC During the second galactic wars between Andromeda and Sirius
Currency ouzo, gyro, bean soup, Siemens, prostitutes and rarely euro
Religion Ortodox (99 %) , Racist ( 0,50 %) , Neonazism (0.25 %) , Atheism ( 0.15 % )
Population 10 million in Greece, 20 million in other lands, 36,3 million in other planets
Area ~623,983 rocky & mountain farms
Ethnic groups Greeks, 3/4-Greeks, Half-Greeks, 1/4-Greeks, Non-Greeks (Greeks)
Major exports Culture, Hairy chests, Olympic Games, Albanian Refugees to USA
Major imports Albanian Refugees, Turks who like getting fucked, Balkan/Turkish Malakes
Favourite pastime 8th century BC (Topless Mycenaean women) , 1980s (the best Straight-To-Video kamaki productions,Komboloi.
Opening hours May - October
Internet TLD .grrrrrrrr
Calling code +0030 (it doesn't work try again later)
Contents
[hide]
* 1 General Facts
* 2 History
* 3 Greek language
o 3.1 Greetings
* 4 Greek culture
* 5 Greek Mythology
* 6 Famous Greek People
o 6.1 People Commonly Mistaken For Being Greek
* 7 Typical Greek attitude
* 8 National sport
* 9 Government
* 10 SueTube Wars: Greece vs. Turkey
* 11 Greek movies
[edit] General Facts
Greece is the most southern country in Europe (until they include Israel in it, it's in the Eurovision song contest after all so why not take it from there?) or the most northern country in Africa (a famous quote from a famous comedian-actor-football team owner-mayor, not all at the same time though: "Greece is the only African country with white people". It's funny in Greek so back off. Of course that was before the Nigerian import) or the most western country in Asia, cause, like... Alexander the Great and all, 'nuff said.
Greeks have invented the western civilisation and brought the light to all those cavemen people in the rest of the known countries at the time (Some still prefer the caves though, better climate, warm in winter, breezy in the summer and best hide for extra-family activities. There are no lights which makes excuses very easy to come by, i.e. "Sorry I thought she was my girfriend"). Mericans are excluded because Merica wasn't invented at the time. In fact the Greek philosophers back then had a Battle-Royal with the military buffs, which they won, so as not to invent it. They were defeated a few centuries later, hence the transatlantic mess ("We told you so" -philosophers).
Given that (the invention not the battle!), everyone should be very careful when addressing any issue for any matter at any time regarding any Greeks. Should trouble arise, the Greeks can at any point in time, even in the past (the future is uncertain), switch off the lights and throw whoever responsible back in the dark ages, the ancient times, the palaiolithic era, the bigger the issue the furthest the time-slot. A perfect example that clearly demonstrates such consequences are the Chinese. They never had a rift with the Greeks and now they're the no.1 power. But of course the Greek hand is always close to the switch, so they're aware and tread careful.
It's common knowledge, but will be denied at request, that Greeks invented the black hole. The person responsible for it, accidentally fell through it, before the hole vanished in a poof of smoke (had he seen he would've gotten the idea), and the slave who came later, back from the groceries, found only a badly written handnote where it was scribbled: "Back Hole". (N.B. Contrary to common belief, it's not a discovery, it's an invention. Tools are needed quite often and science was put to use).Greece is the home of a select 11+ million people, all of them educated, powerful, and beautiful (Greek women, especially, have some of the most beautiful facial hair in all Europe). Greeks are the greatest ethnicity of all time. They have their flaws, but they are funny ones.
[edit] History
See also: Greek Umpire: Hellas strikes back
Place of origin of the Greek race
Place of origin of the Greek race
The Greeks are direct descendants of an extra-terrestrial tribe from Mars who devastated the planet, so they came to Earth to bother us. They are the main cause of global warming.
During their, somewhat, short course of history (circa. 5,000 light years BC), most of the nations in the world tried to conquer Greece. The Incas succeeded but historical records suggest that the Greeks were too naughty and were constantly chasing the behinds of the IncAss, so they decided to leave. Since then, they thought that not any country is worth taking if it meant having a broken anus.
The Ancient Greeks were spending their time eating Turkish Delights (anc. Greek: Ελληνικόν Διλάτιον), Doner (anc. Greek: Γυρόσουβλος), Cacik (anc. Greek: Γιαουρτοσκόρδιον) and Baklava (anc. Greek: Κόπτη/Πλακούντας/Πέος). An alternate to the Baklava theory suggests the name originated by homosexual greek philosophers who BACK-LOVE(D)-ASS. However, the Turkish came and stole these ancient Greek delicacies. And who cares if facts show these foods are of Turkish origins? Greeks invented history! We can change it as we like!
FMPOH earned its independence during the early decades of the 19th century from the Automan Empire. After the Greek War of Independence, 25.3.1821-beta-RC1, got involved in a considerable number of wars in order to franchise Darth Feta, fighting for a cheese made exclusively from goat and sheep's milk. However, their endeavors in Asia Minor, Major and Asia Intermediate proved unsuccessful, since they were unable to dissolve the butter and stuck with a mere PDO certification instead.
The official symbol on the Greek flag is a traditional byzantine cold-coffee beverage known as Frape, sitting on a white sky and a blue sea. This is thought to symbolize a Greek's main source of "coolness", which is his/her extreme empathy towards everything.
[edit] Greek language
Main article: Greek language
Γκρεικς γιουζ α γουείρντ άλφαμπετ! (Greeks use a weird alphabet that has been emulated in the Microsoft "windings" font)
Historically speaking, the Greek alphabet was developed by Athenusus Alphabetus, who was known to have a severe case of ADD (just like every other living Greek), hence the weird letters.
Apparently, even the greeks doesnt seem to understand their alphabet... but if you are a stranger, and ask a greek to read a label or something, he will probably do something gay/lesbian like grabbing your ass (if you are both men, of course) to draw your attention anywhere else.
Another branch of the alphabet in Greece is known as the Geek language and consists more of numbers than of letters. On the other hand, their numbers consist of letters instead of numbers. But so did the Roman numbers and nobody really cared!
[edit] Greetings
* "Μalaka (gr: Μαλάκα en:Arsehole)" ("Nothing like your ass", compliment with a flattering twist),
* "Αnde gamisou (gr: Άντε γαμήσου en: Fuck you)": Go and find your peace in a local theater, mainly used as a blessing
* "Gamo to muni tis manas su / to spiti su (gr: Γαμώ το μουνί της μάνας σου/ το σπίτι σου en: i'm fucking your mother's pussy/your home)": Give my greetings to your family, mainly used in meetings
[edit] Greek culture
Main article: Greek
It is well known that the Greeks invented two things, civilization and ouzo. It is rarely mentioned that by now, the first one is on life support in the hospital but the second one is increasing in popularity. Early designers could have become famous for the scale and repose of their civic architecture but they didn't think their ideas were worth Parthenon.
Their national dish is moussaka which has some interesting ingredients, however it is served in your hands, because all their plates are broken on Turkish heads.
[edit] Greek Mythology
Before it became Christian, Greece had its own set of Gods. For example, before (the) Madonna, Aphrodite was the Goddess of love, lust and sex, and is thought to have been the most beautiful made up woman of all time. Apollo was the God of music, prophecies and archery, and was strongly associated with the Sun (although nobody bothered to tell NASA this before sending Tom Hanks into space).
In not too specific an order, other Greek gods to have been seen roaming around town after dark are: Hades (of the underworld), Poseidon (sea and horses – though not seahorses), Hera (marriage and childbirth), Dionysus (wine, parties, bit of a dude), Hephaestus (an inflammation of liver tissue), and finally of course Zeus, King of all the Gods (eventually conquered by Jehovah, the atheist God).
[edit] Famous Greek People
Aloysius Snuffleupagus, famous Greek Actor
Aloysius Snuffleupagus, famous Greek Actor
As well as being home to many Gods, Greece has also had it’s fair share of clever people (who mainly helped make up the Gods). Some philosophers to have lived in the country include Socrates (469BC - 399BC). He was a teacher, and through his philosophy discussed many ideas that upset some people, including, rather stupidly, the government of the day. He was eventually given a choice of either leaving the country, or to die through drinking poison. As has been well recorded in history, faced with this tough choice, he decided to relocate to Brazil, where he helped the South American nation win 7 world cups, and spoken under the table after every match, by Pele.
Other famous Greek philosophers were Plato and Aristotle, but Socrates ran rings around them with the ball at his feet.
The following is a list of Greek lovelies:
* Kostas Karamanlis
* Samuel Lambda Jacksoniou
* Philip of Edinburgh
* Mr. Snuffleupagus
* Antonios o Gamias
* Zahopoulos
* King Cocos
[edit] People Commonly Mistaken For Being Greek
* Vangelis
* Polixronis
* Nana Mouskouri
* George W. Bush (commonly referred to as "O Bush-ti")
* Tia Smith (because most female greek names end with an 'a')
[edit] Typical Greek attitude
It is not uncommon for men to refer to women as "anorgasmiki" (unable to have an orgasm) because Greek men can have an orgasm at any given moment . Most women (and most men too) refer to (other) men as "malaka" (asshole, dick, jackass, wanker and also buddy, pal). It is cheesy, but becoming increasingly common, for women to use "malaka" to address other women. Studies haven't been conclusive but an increment in women's balls has been cited as a possible reason, among others who probably are too stupid to tell the difference between women and men and end up being homo's... Mostly they're emigrants from Turkey or the Balkans...
The typical Malakas driver throws bottles out of his vehicle's window without caring about a possible accident-inducing trajectory or environmental impact. The most appropriate word that describes this attitude is "Ellinaras" (big Greek jerk). This attitude doesn't necessary involve a vehicle. The "Ellinaras" will throw away anything available but useless to him/her wherever possible. Usually it is within 2-3 metres (4-6 feet for the weird Mericans) from a designated area for that purpose (trash can, dump site, ashtray etc). In this context, this is the usual, short, conversation, of two smokers who cannot see the ashtray or bother to ask for one: "-So where's the ashtray? -Right underneath you jerk, the BIG one". The Greek driver is always the best there is, whereas all the rest are just "malakes" (pl. of "malakas") and is an expert in fast driving, but only just. This can be verified by the geometric increase in the number of vehicle accidents every year, hence the favourite moto: "Going nowhere (but the tree) fast".
Greeks show a particular interest in social topics of the people they know, or don't, and they're masters in the art of Culture Making). The process is widely known as ξεκατίνιασμα (ksekatiniasma) in honour of the ancient Greek poet Katina Paxinou, who is thought to be the first person ever to have collected and recorded the proper rules of conduct.
There is also the race of "psonia" (Bought off-ers). It is complicated but in basic principle it's the young people who believe they are better that everyone else and flaunt it. Similar (or better) to chavs. A psonara (the female) can be spotted on the streets of the rich suburb of Kiffisia with a bird's nest hair style, sipping on a Starbuck's frappuchino whereas a psonio (the male) is harder to spot. He has shoulder-length hair or hair-length shoulders, is gorgeous and knows it, very very loud and will hit on anything that moves. Of course, all Greek people use the term loosely for anyone who is annoying them at that moment. Just for the record, you are a psonio too.
Officially there is equality between the sexes, but women are actually paid less. About 40% of the Greek women are engaged in active employment despite their proper place being at home, taking care of the 'malaka'. Greek women are liable for military service, but only volunteers are taking part in the service, and the women seem to be satisfied with this. No sane person would want to be in the military anyway. When divorcing, all belongings are equally split between man and woman as neither of them can come to any compromise. Today a Greek woman may keep her maiden name when marrying and some do just to spite their husband. Also Greek women only give birth to half as many children, as they did before World War 2, this is probably a master plan of Greek women to reduce the number of Einsteins that have gained the monopoly in the world mind market and that caused many to argue and stop the exports. Arranged marriages are encouraged by law as is the payment of a dowry, so both actually apply but none will talk about it.
The average life expectancy for Greek women is 90 years. For men it's 85 because they can only stand the women for 85 years.
If you're bored/curious/hungry enough to enter a taverna alone, don't expect to be served in a long amount of time. In Greece it's very unlikely that someone eats alone. One is usually waiting for someone or else why leave the flat in the first place? For the waiter it will be very impolite to ask for the order before all the guests have arrived. Though this has changed in the major tourist places, and especially for tourists (who are ridicoulously easy to be spotted), but you can still find such behavior in villages most notably in the island of Crete and pretty much in most other islands.
In Greece you must adapt to GMT but in this case GMT stands (or often sits) for "Gay Monkeydonian Time". The Greek people have a very different attitude to time. When the bus is scheduled to come 10.30 it will come between 10 and 11, depending on the traffic, how many people the driver has met and felt he should talk with, and many other small things. Or a local might tell you that the bus will arrive AFTER 4 pm! Then he hasn't promised too much. The Greek people don't live by the clock. The Greeks also have a different opinion about when it's morning, afternoon and evening. You say Good Morning until 12. If you have agreed to meet in the 'afternoon', the earliest meant by this will be 6.00pm! In Greece, the evening meal begins no earlier than 9.00pm. Also no one will think anything of it if you phone at 10.00pm at night. However, 'siesta' time, between 3pm and 5pm is held to be sacred. During a siesta, though, it is very unpopular (often bordering to dangerous and suicidal) to disturb someone. So it's not an oxymoron to hear loud shouts/screams/curses during siesta. These come from people who value this sacred time and they are addressed at the other 'malakes' who don't and who themselves engage in all sorts of activies which they cannot find another time but this to practice, such as drilling, hammering, furniture rearrangement, high-speed motorcycle drive-by's (no shooting though) etc.
Greeks enjoy the fine art of dance. If you call them gay for it, they will promptly curse you out in Greek to show their intellectual superiority, then castrate and decapitate you, just to prove a point. It is traditional to have at least one fat kid in the dance. If the fat kid slows down he is whipped by a bald-headed, tattooed task master who screams, "SKASE MALAKISMENO!", which means, "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU JERK-LING!"
[edit] National sport
Joint champions with the Turks in the friendly sports competitions organized by their beloved neighbors. These include such events as "rock climbing", "flag hoisting", "flag lowering", "who's fucking flag is that anyway?", "I can't see, it's too dark", "get that fucking goat off the rock, it's eating the flag", "it's okay, it's not our flag" and "fuck the flag, let´s go for the goat"". These games are usually organized on tiny, utterly useless islands, inhabited by goats, to promote local tourism.
Another important sport is arguing. Greeks do it non-stop, the ferocity with which they argue is directly proportional to the amount of frappé/ouzo in their blood at the time, however, even if sober and sleep deprived, they are the stubbornest ass fucks this world has yet to spawn. They will get together and talk about any number of topics, not to make conversation, but to, by trial and error, find a topic that is disagreed upon, and then spend the next 5 hours (minus any possible interference with Siesta) arguing over it, usually to find that they have the same basic ideas, just with slightly different details. But now!, They're satisfied!
Greece's other national sport is sitting and drinking coffee for hours, preferably outdoors (weather permitting and more often than not it is) in squares or (ideally) by the beach. The average duration of a coffee-drinking session is around 3 hours, but the same group of people can be seen occupying a table for as much as 7-8 hours. During that time, members of the group come and go, others leave to run some errands and then return, by the 4th hour none of the original members is on the table, but don't be fooled, it is the same group of people! In popular places it is so hard to get a table, that you just have to hold on to it no matter what. This phenomenon explains the outrageous prices of coffee in Greece, as it's actually the space you re paying for (it's essentially real estate business, not catering). To compare equal things, an espresso costs 3 Euros in Athens and 0.70-1 Euro in "expensive, cosmopolitan" Milan. For other types of coffee, such as Freddo (based on espresso, inspired by the Italians but only known in Greece) you can pay as much as 7 Euros. On a sunny spring day, one can notice the number of 30-year-old people who slothfully sip their coffee in outdoor cafes at 11:30 am on a Wednesday, and surprisingly can afford a 6-Euro Freddo, when they're apparently unemployed... What the fuck's up with that???
The most popular kind of coffee in Greece is the frappé (φραπές, φραπεδιά, φραπόγαλο (with milk), φραπεδούμπα). A sure indication of a good frappé is when it's so thick that the straw doesn't sink in it without having to push it down. Foreigners who wish to try Greek frappé for the first time, should not count on being able to sleep for the following 2 or 3 days and will need to hang anvils from their eyelids if they ever want to close them again.
Greeks will drink coffee at any time of the day, it's common to see people drinking frappè at midnight, before starting their night out (in Greece nobody goes clubbin' before 01:00 am, unless he wants to help with cleaning).
[edit] Government
Typical Greek politician.
Typical Greek politician.
Typical Greek Monarch.
Typical Greek Monarch.
The Greeks invented democracy and the Romans converted it to the art of democratic corruption. Later on the people realized they were much too lazy to govern themselves so they form a senate to do it for them. Later on the senate realized they couldn't be bothered so they convinced the people it was better to have a Prime Minister. These days the Prime Minister is something similar to a Go Go Jesus doll from Dogma, a man of great presence and 3/6 of Kevin Bacon. His political party is called New Democracy (Νέα Δημοκρατία) because it redefined democracy, now a synonym of monarchy (μοναρχία). In fact, they handled the administration over to George Michael, your regular power-hungry (and hairy) archbishop so it's more of a theocrachy thing. The Prime Minister is well known for his appetite and has been said to be a direct descendant of Taz the Tazmanian Devil. This article does not cover the political opposition (αντιπολίτευση) as the party responsible for that is fast forward and also noted by Final Fantasy fans to be in a state of petrification. There have been reports that besides these two parties there actually exist in Greece more political parties, mostly belonging to the left. Sadly, credible evidence for this has yet to be put forth and said reports are generally considered wildly inaccurate. Singer Demis Roussos was crowned King of Greece in 1978. Greece was pleased to gain a Queen when Roussos married fellow recording artist Nana Mouskouri in 1987.
The current Minister of Foreign Affairs is the famous TV showman Tambakis.
[edit] SueTube Wars: Greece vs. Turkey
Greeks and Turks seem to fight over everything in general, while the most popular topics seem to be football, yoghurt and baklava, a dessert so filled with sugar that it might turn deadly when consumed in large amounts. Because both nations well know they'll get really, really bored if they don't fight with each other on any platform possible, the national sport of both countries have lately been posting stupid videos on SueTube, which mainly consist of curses constructed in really bad grammar. The traditional theme of the videos is generally mothers (from each side) getting gangbanged, and surprisingly, goat fucking. Noone knows how interspecies sex can be that big of an insult, but it apparently is a taboo for the youth of both nations, especially when greeks are pretty much offended by it when they do it more regularly in private.
SueTube fights are held every week between teams of, say, Stavraetos212?07 and YoungTurkishWolf86, and the game is continued until one of the teams' leader officially call emo.
[edit] Greek movies
Perhaps the best movie ever made depicting the light-carrying, shining, famous, ancient and enormous Greek culture and civilization is "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", where with well established scientific methods, the pluralism of the Greek language was proved beyond any doubt along with the origins of modern English in Greek (in fact, the origin of every modern language from Greek). (All joking aside, this movie is almost 100% accurate of a real Greek-American family.)
A 1972 documentary about Greece starring John Travolta and Olivia Neutron-Bomb was considerably less successful.
"Tamtakos o Electronikos", probably the most successful movie in the history of inter-universal cinema (a recent poll revealed that not a single living being in the Universe has died without having seen "Tamtakos o Elektronikos" at least once during their lifetimes). Recently voted one of the 3 top films in the Universe by the UCC (Universal Cinema Commission).
The other two films include "Cazaflanca" (the famous Venusian comedy) and "The Godfeather" (filmed in the beautiful valleys of Neptune, starring a genius pigeon, Corlebone).
[edit] See also
~ Oscar Wilde on Greece
“No, Zeus did.”
~ Greek on the above
“No, Cronos did.”
~ Another Greek on the above
“And then gave this land to his favoured people, the Turks”
~ Turk on the above
“If Mercedes-Benz wasn't German, it would have been Skopian/Turkish/Albanian”
~ Turks, Macedonians, Byzantines, Ancient Macedonians and Turkish Cypriots on Macedonia, Cyprus and Byzantium
“HellASS invented the sex. 2000 years later they learned by the Macedonians that sex can also be made between man and woman.”
~ Borat on HellASS
Greece, also known as Former Kingdom of Cocos, and also known by it's inhabitans as "Derneis kai Gamas", ( you hit and fuck ) is a country in Northern Epirus, bordering far inferior countries like Turkestan, [Monkeydonistan], Tataria and Albania. Gayreece (as some may refer to it) has by far the greatest population of gay men who dress like whores in the world. It is estimated that over 65% of the population is purely gay and another 20% bi. The strong gay community in Greece has it's own problems though. The military, for example, is unable to function due to the constant anus cramps that the soldiers get. These cramps are the primary cause of the many friendly-fire incidents. A gay soldier will grab his ass in excruciating pain as he is firing the gun leading to shooting one of his comrades. Greece is by far the greatest importer of Vaseline in the world. Greece is acknowledged among Greeks as the founder of democracy© (and also holder of dictatorship©, anarchy©, polytheism© -after buying it off Ancient Egypt), inventor (see below) of western civilization. In an attempt to look dignified and to give Greece some class.
ΝΕΑ ΕΛΛΗΝΙΚΗ ΔΗΜΟΚΡΑΤΙΑ
Hellenic Monarchian Republic or The Holy Orthodox Democratic Country of the Greek Nation
Greece
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: Malaka
Anthem: "We Love Turks, We Hate Fyromians But We Fuck Em Both (Nice and Hard)"
Capital Constantinople
Previous capital Rome
Largest city Thessaloniki, cause Athens is considered a cesspool and doesn't qualify for a city anymore
Official languages Only Greek
Government Dual Monarchy
-(Electable) public money consumer HIM Constantine Caramanlis II
HM King Cocos-Constantine II
National Hero(es) Otto Rehhagel, Alexander the Great, Zahopoulos
Declaration
of Formation 100,000,000 BC During the second galactic wars between Andromeda and Sirius
Currency ouzo, gyro, bean soup, Siemens, prostitutes and rarely euro
Religion Ortodox (99 %) , Racist ( 0,50 %) , Neonazism (0.25 %) , Atheism ( 0.15 % )
Population 10 million in Greece, 20 million in other lands, 36,3 million in other planets
Area ~623,983 rocky & mountain farms
Ethnic groups Greeks, 3/4-Greeks, Half-Greeks, 1/4-Greeks, Non-Greeks (Greeks)
Major exports Culture, Hairy chests, Olympic Games, Albanian Refugees to USA
Major imports Albanian Refugees, Turks who like getting fucked, Balkan/Turkish Malakes
Favourite pastime 8th century BC (Topless Mycenaean women) , 1980s (the best Straight-To-Video kamaki productions,Komboloi.
Opening hours May - October
Internet TLD .grrrrrrrr
Calling code +0030 (it doesn't work try again later)
Contents
[hide]
* 1 General Facts
* 2 History
* 3 Greek language
o 3.1 Greetings
* 4 Greek culture
* 5 Greek Mythology
* 6 Famous Greek People
o 6.1 People Commonly Mistaken For Being Greek
* 7 Typical Greek attitude
* 8 National sport
* 9 Government
* 10 SueTube Wars: Greece vs. Turkey
* 11 Greek movies
[edit] General Facts
Greece is the most southern country in Europe (until they include Israel in it, it's in the Eurovision song contest after all so why not take it from there?) or the most northern country in Africa (a famous quote from a famous comedian-actor-football team owner-mayor, not all at the same time though: "Greece is the only African country with white people". It's funny in Greek so back off. Of course that was before the Nigerian import) or the most western country in Asia, cause, like... Alexander the Great and all, 'nuff said.
Greeks have invented the western civilisation and brought the light to all those cavemen people in the rest of the known countries at the time (Some still prefer the caves though, better climate, warm in winter, breezy in the summer and best hide for extra-family activities. There are no lights which makes excuses very easy to come by, i.e. "Sorry I thought she was my girfriend"). Mericans are excluded because Merica wasn't invented at the time. In fact the Greek philosophers back then had a Battle-Royal with the military buffs, which they won, so as not to invent it. They were defeated a few centuries later, hence the transatlantic mess ("We told you so" -philosophers).
Given that (the invention not the battle!), everyone should be very careful when addressing any issue for any matter at any time regarding any Greeks. Should trouble arise, the Greeks can at any point in time, even in the past (the future is uncertain), switch off the lights and throw whoever responsible back in the dark ages, the ancient times, the palaiolithic era, the bigger the issue the furthest the time-slot. A perfect example that clearly demonstrates such consequences are the Chinese. They never had a rift with the Greeks and now they're the no.1 power. But of course the Greek hand is always close to the switch, so they're aware and tread careful.
It's common knowledge, but will be denied at request, that Greeks invented the black hole. The person responsible for it, accidentally fell through it, before the hole vanished in a poof of smoke (had he seen he would've gotten the idea), and the slave who came later, back from the groceries, found only a badly written handnote where it was scribbled: "Back Hole". (N.B. Contrary to common belief, it's not a discovery, it's an invention. Tools are needed quite often and science was put to use).Greece is the home of a select 11+ million people, all of them educated, powerful, and beautiful (Greek women, especially, have some of the most beautiful facial hair in all Europe). Greeks are the greatest ethnicity of all time. They have their flaws, but they are funny ones.
[edit] History
See also: Greek Umpire: Hellas strikes back
Place of origin of the Greek race
Place of origin of the Greek race
The Greeks are direct descendants of an extra-terrestrial tribe from Mars who devastated the planet, so they came to Earth to bother us. They are the main cause of global warming.
During their, somewhat, short course of history (circa. 5,000 light years BC), most of the nations in the world tried to conquer Greece. The Incas succeeded but historical records suggest that the Greeks were too naughty and were constantly chasing the behinds of the IncAss, so they decided to leave. Since then, they thought that not any country is worth taking if it meant having a broken anus.
The Ancient Greeks were spending their time eating Turkish Delights (anc. Greek: Ελληνικόν Διλάτιον), Doner (anc. Greek: Γυρόσουβλος), Cacik (anc. Greek: Γιαουρτοσκόρδιον) and Baklava (anc. Greek: Κόπτη/Πλακούντας/Πέος). An alternate to the Baklava theory suggests the name originated by homosexual greek philosophers who BACK-LOVE(D)-ASS. However, the Turkish came and stole these ancient Greek delicacies. And who cares if facts show these foods are of Turkish origins? Greeks invented history! We can change it as we like!
FMPOH earned its independence during the early decades of the 19th century from the Automan Empire. After the Greek War of Independence, 25.3.1821-beta-RC1, got involved in a considerable number of wars in order to franchise Darth Feta, fighting for a cheese made exclusively from goat and sheep's milk. However, their endeavors in Asia Minor, Major and Asia Intermediate proved unsuccessful, since they were unable to dissolve the butter and stuck with a mere PDO certification instead.
The official symbol on the Greek flag is a traditional byzantine cold-coffee beverage known as Frape, sitting on a white sky and a blue sea. This is thought to symbolize a Greek's main source of "coolness", which is his/her extreme empathy towards everything.
[edit] Greek language
Main article: Greek language
Γκρεικς γιουζ α γουείρντ άλφαμπετ! (Greeks use a weird alphabet that has been emulated in the Microsoft "windings" font)
Historically speaking, the Greek alphabet was developed by Athenusus Alphabetus, who was known to have a severe case of ADD (just like every other living Greek), hence the weird letters.
Apparently, even the greeks doesnt seem to understand their alphabet... but if you are a stranger, and ask a greek to read a label or something, he will probably do something gay/lesbian like grabbing your ass (if you are both men, of course) to draw your attention anywhere else.
Another branch of the alphabet in Greece is known as the Geek language and consists more of numbers than of letters. On the other hand, their numbers consist of letters instead of numbers. But so did the Roman numbers and nobody really cared!
[edit] Greetings
* "Μalaka (gr: Μαλάκα en:Arsehole)" ("Nothing like your ass", compliment with a flattering twist),
* "Αnde gamisou (gr: Άντε γαμήσου en: Fuck you)": Go and find your peace in a local theater, mainly used as a blessing
* "Gamo to muni tis manas su / to spiti su (gr: Γαμώ το μουνί της μάνας σου/ το σπίτι σου en: i'm fucking your mother's pussy/your home)": Give my greetings to your family, mainly used in meetings
[edit] Greek culture
Main article: Greek
It is well known that the Greeks invented two things, civilization and ouzo. It is rarely mentioned that by now, the first one is on life support in the hospital but the second one is increasing in popularity. Early designers could have become famous for the scale and repose of their civic architecture but they didn't think their ideas were worth Parthenon.
Their national dish is moussaka which has some interesting ingredients, however it is served in your hands, because all their plates are broken on Turkish heads.
[edit] Greek Mythology
Before it became Christian, Greece had its own set of Gods. For example, before (the) Madonna, Aphrodite was the Goddess of love, lust and sex, and is thought to have been the most beautiful made up woman of all time. Apollo was the God of music, prophecies and archery, and was strongly associated with the Sun (although nobody bothered to tell NASA this before sending Tom Hanks into space).
In not too specific an order, other Greek gods to have been seen roaming around town after dark are: Hades (of the underworld), Poseidon (sea and horses – though not seahorses), Hera (marriage and childbirth), Dionysus (wine, parties, bit of a dude), Hephaestus (an inflammation of liver tissue), and finally of course Zeus, King of all the Gods (eventually conquered by Jehovah, the atheist God).
[edit] Famous Greek People
Aloysius Snuffleupagus, famous Greek Actor
Aloysius Snuffleupagus, famous Greek Actor
As well as being home to many Gods, Greece has also had it’s fair share of clever people (who mainly helped make up the Gods). Some philosophers to have lived in the country include Socrates (469BC - 399BC). He was a teacher, and through his philosophy discussed many ideas that upset some people, including, rather stupidly, the government of the day. He was eventually given a choice of either leaving the country, or to die through drinking poison. As has been well recorded in history, faced with this tough choice, he decided to relocate to Brazil, where he helped the South American nation win 7 world cups, and spoken under the table after every match, by Pele.
Other famous Greek philosophers were Plato and Aristotle, but Socrates ran rings around them with the ball at his feet.
The following is a list of Greek lovelies:
* Kostas Karamanlis
* Samuel Lambda Jacksoniou
* Philip of Edinburgh
* Mr. Snuffleupagus
* Antonios o Gamias
* Zahopoulos
* King Cocos
[edit] People Commonly Mistaken For Being Greek
* Vangelis
* Polixronis
* Nana Mouskouri
* George W. Bush (commonly referred to as "O Bush-ti")
* Tia Smith (because most female greek names end with an 'a')
[edit] Typical Greek attitude
It is not uncommon for men to refer to women as "anorgasmiki" (unable to have an orgasm) because Greek men can have an orgasm at any given moment . Most women (and most men too) refer to (other) men as "malaka" (asshole, dick, jackass, wanker and also buddy, pal). It is cheesy, but becoming increasingly common, for women to use "malaka" to address other women. Studies haven't been conclusive but an increment in women's balls has been cited as a possible reason, among others who probably are too stupid to tell the difference between women and men and end up being homo's... Mostly they're emigrants from Turkey or the Balkans...
The typical Malakas driver throws bottles out of his vehicle's window without caring about a possible accident-inducing trajectory or environmental impact. The most appropriate word that describes this attitude is "Ellinaras" (big Greek jerk). This attitude doesn't necessary involve a vehicle. The "Ellinaras" will throw away anything available but useless to him/her wherever possible. Usually it is within 2-3 metres (4-6 feet for the weird Mericans) from a designated area for that purpose (trash can, dump site, ashtray etc). In this context, this is the usual, short, conversation, of two smokers who cannot see the ashtray or bother to ask for one: "-So where's the ashtray? -Right underneath you jerk, the BIG one". The Greek driver is always the best there is, whereas all the rest are just "malakes" (pl. of "malakas") and is an expert in fast driving, but only just. This can be verified by the geometric increase in the number of vehicle accidents every year, hence the favourite moto: "Going nowhere (but the tree) fast".
Greeks show a particular interest in social topics of the people they know, or don't, and they're masters in the art of Culture Making). The process is widely known as ξεκατίνιασμα (ksekatiniasma) in honour of the ancient Greek poet Katina Paxinou, who is thought to be the first person ever to have collected and recorded the proper rules of conduct.
There is also the race of "psonia" (Bought off-ers). It is complicated but in basic principle it's the young people who believe they are better that everyone else and flaunt it. Similar (or better) to chavs. A psonara (the female) can be spotted on the streets of the rich suburb of Kiffisia with a bird's nest hair style, sipping on a Starbuck's frappuchino whereas a psonio (the male) is harder to spot. He has shoulder-length hair or hair-length shoulders, is gorgeous and knows it, very very loud and will hit on anything that moves. Of course, all Greek people use the term loosely for anyone who is annoying them at that moment. Just for the record, you are a psonio too.
Officially there is equality between the sexes, but women are actually paid less. About 40% of the Greek women are engaged in active employment despite their proper place being at home, taking care of the 'malaka'. Greek women are liable for military service, but only volunteers are taking part in the service, and the women seem to be satisfied with this. No sane person would want to be in the military anyway. When divorcing, all belongings are equally split between man and woman as neither of them can come to any compromise. Today a Greek woman may keep her maiden name when marrying and some do just to spite their husband. Also Greek women only give birth to half as many children, as they did before World War 2, this is probably a master plan of Greek women to reduce the number of Einsteins that have gained the monopoly in the world mind market and that caused many to argue and stop the exports. Arranged marriages are encouraged by law as is the payment of a dowry, so both actually apply but none will talk about it.
The average life expectancy for Greek women is 90 years. For men it's 85 because they can only stand the women for 85 years.
If you're bored/curious/hungry enough to enter a taverna alone, don't expect to be served in a long amount of time. In Greece it's very unlikely that someone eats alone. One is usually waiting for someone or else why leave the flat in the first place? For the waiter it will be very impolite to ask for the order before all the guests have arrived. Though this has changed in the major tourist places, and especially for tourists (who are ridicoulously easy to be spotted), but you can still find such behavior in villages most notably in the island of Crete and pretty much in most other islands.
In Greece you must adapt to GMT but in this case GMT stands (or often sits) for "Gay Monkeydonian Time". The Greek people have a very different attitude to time. When the bus is scheduled to come 10.30 it will come between 10 and 11, depending on the traffic, how many people the driver has met and felt he should talk with, and many other small things. Or a local might tell you that the bus will arrive AFTER 4 pm! Then he hasn't promised too much. The Greek people don't live by the clock. The Greeks also have a different opinion about when it's morning, afternoon and evening. You say Good Morning until 12. If you have agreed to meet in the 'afternoon', the earliest meant by this will be 6.00pm! In Greece, the evening meal begins no earlier than 9.00pm. Also no one will think anything of it if you phone at 10.00pm at night. However, 'siesta' time, between 3pm and 5pm is held to be sacred. During a siesta, though, it is very unpopular (often bordering to dangerous and suicidal) to disturb someone. So it's not an oxymoron to hear loud shouts/screams/curses during siesta. These come from people who value this sacred time and they are addressed at the other 'malakes' who don't and who themselves engage in all sorts of activies which they cannot find another time but this to practice, such as drilling, hammering, furniture rearrangement, high-speed motorcycle drive-by's (no shooting though) etc.
Greeks enjoy the fine art of dance. If you call them gay for it, they will promptly curse you out in Greek to show their intellectual superiority, then castrate and decapitate you, just to prove a point. It is traditional to have at least one fat kid in the dance. If the fat kid slows down he is whipped by a bald-headed, tattooed task master who screams, "SKASE MALAKISMENO!", which means, "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU JERK-LING!"
[edit] National sport
Joint champions with the Turks in the friendly sports competitions organized by their beloved neighbors. These include such events as "rock climbing", "flag hoisting", "flag lowering", "who's fucking flag is that anyway?", "I can't see, it's too dark", "get that fucking goat off the rock, it's eating the flag", "it's okay, it's not our flag" and "fuck the flag, let´s go for the goat"". These games are usually organized on tiny, utterly useless islands, inhabited by goats, to promote local tourism.
Another important sport is arguing. Greeks do it non-stop, the ferocity with which they argue is directly proportional to the amount of frappé/ouzo in their blood at the time, however, even if sober and sleep deprived, they are the stubbornest ass fucks this world has yet to spawn. They will get together and talk about any number of topics, not to make conversation, but to, by trial and error, find a topic that is disagreed upon, and then spend the next 5 hours (minus any possible interference with Siesta) arguing over it, usually to find that they have the same basic ideas, just with slightly different details. But now!, They're satisfied!
Greece's other national sport is sitting and drinking coffee for hours, preferably outdoors (weather permitting and more often than not it is) in squares or (ideally) by the beach. The average duration of a coffee-drinking session is around 3 hours, but the same group of people can be seen occupying a table for as much as 7-8 hours. During that time, members of the group come and go, others leave to run some errands and then return, by the 4th hour none of the original members is on the table, but don't be fooled, it is the same group of people! In popular places it is so hard to get a table, that you just have to hold on to it no matter what. This phenomenon explains the outrageous prices of coffee in Greece, as it's actually the space you re paying for (it's essentially real estate business, not catering). To compare equal things, an espresso costs 3 Euros in Athens and 0.70-1 Euro in "expensive, cosmopolitan" Milan. For other types of coffee, such as Freddo (based on espresso, inspired by the Italians but only known in Greece) you can pay as much as 7 Euros. On a sunny spring day, one can notice the number of 30-year-old people who slothfully sip their coffee in outdoor cafes at 11:30 am on a Wednesday, and surprisingly can afford a 6-Euro Freddo, when they're apparently unemployed... What the fuck's up with that???
The most popular kind of coffee in Greece is the frappé (φραπές, φραπεδιά, φραπόγαλο (with milk), φραπεδούμπα). A sure indication of a good frappé is when it's so thick that the straw doesn't sink in it without having to push it down. Foreigners who wish to try Greek frappé for the first time, should not count on being able to sleep for the following 2 or 3 days and will need to hang anvils from their eyelids if they ever want to close them again.
Greeks will drink coffee at any time of the day, it's common to see people drinking frappè at midnight, before starting their night out (in Greece nobody goes clubbin' before 01:00 am, unless he wants to help with cleaning).
[edit] Government
Typical Greek politician.
Typical Greek politician.
Typical Greek Monarch.
Typical Greek Monarch.
The Greeks invented democracy and the Romans converted it to the art of democratic corruption. Later on the people realized they were much too lazy to govern themselves so they form a senate to do it for them. Later on the senate realized they couldn't be bothered so they convinced the people it was better to have a Prime Minister. These days the Prime Minister is something similar to a Go Go Jesus doll from Dogma, a man of great presence and 3/6 of Kevin Bacon. His political party is called New Democracy (Νέα Δημοκρατία) because it redefined democracy, now a synonym of monarchy (μοναρχία). In fact, they handled the administration over to George Michael, your regular power-hungry (and hairy) archbishop so it's more of a theocrachy thing. The Prime Minister is well known for his appetite and has been said to be a direct descendant of Taz the Tazmanian Devil. This article does not cover the political opposition (αντιπολίτευση) as the party responsible for that is fast forward and also noted by Final Fantasy fans to be in a state of petrification. There have been reports that besides these two parties there actually exist in Greece more political parties, mostly belonging to the left. Sadly, credible evidence for this has yet to be put forth and said reports are generally considered wildly inaccurate. Singer Demis Roussos was crowned King of Greece in 1978. Greece was pleased to gain a Queen when Roussos married fellow recording artist Nana Mouskouri in 1987.
The current Minister of Foreign Affairs is the famous TV showman Tambakis.
[edit] SueTube Wars: Greece vs. Turkey
Greeks and Turks seem to fight over everything in general, while the most popular topics seem to be football, yoghurt and baklava, a dessert so filled with sugar that it might turn deadly when consumed in large amounts. Because both nations well know they'll get really, really bored if they don't fight with each other on any platform possible, the national sport of both countries have lately been posting stupid videos on SueTube, which mainly consist of curses constructed in really bad grammar. The traditional theme of the videos is generally mothers (from each side) getting gangbanged, and surprisingly, goat fucking. Noone knows how interspecies sex can be that big of an insult, but it apparently is a taboo for the youth of both nations, especially when greeks are pretty much offended by it when they do it more regularly in private.
SueTube fights are held every week between teams of, say, Stavraetos212?07 and YoungTurkishWolf86, and the game is continued until one of the teams' leader officially call emo.
[edit] Greek movies
Perhaps the best movie ever made depicting the light-carrying, shining, famous, ancient and enormous Greek culture and civilization is "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", where with well established scientific methods, the pluralism of the Greek language was proved beyond any doubt along with the origins of modern English in Greek (in fact, the origin of every modern language from Greek). (All joking aside, this movie is almost 100% accurate of a real Greek-American family.)
A 1972 documentary about Greece starring John Travolta and Olivia Neutron-Bomb was considerably less successful.
"Tamtakos o Electronikos", probably the most successful movie in the history of inter-universal cinema (a recent poll revealed that not a single living being in the Universe has died without having seen "Tamtakos o Elektronikos" at least once during their lifetimes). Recently voted one of the 3 top films in the Universe by the UCC (Universal Cinema Commission).
The other two films include "Cazaflanca" (the famous Venusian comedy) and "The Godfeather" (filmed in the beautiful valleys of Neptune, starring a genius pigeon, Corlebone).
[edit] See also
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